


15 tips on how to survive an encounter with Darth Vader

by Cherrydragon26



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Darth Vader (Comics)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-13
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2020-03-02 21:15:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18819145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cherrydragon26/pseuds/Cherrydragon26
Summary: Aphra shares her survival tips that are tied to a certain tall and dark Sith Lord whom she had a pleasure (or displeasure) of meeting.





	15 tips on how to survive an encounter with Darth Vader

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own Star Wars or these characters, they belong to their respective authors.

There is really only one thing you have to do when you see a Sith Lord approaching you, especially  _this Sith Lord_. And that is to  _run._ Run away as fast and as far as you can, and hopefully you will not be important enough for him to give chase, or to try to actively kill you. However if you are a rebel, don't hope too much. You will be dead before you know it.

But I am derailing here. If by any chance you are as stupid as me and you somehow not only survive the encounter, but he also hires you 'to do his bidding' (pun intended), then here are 15 tips on how to survive that experience as alive as you can be. Maybe not whole (a limb or two could be cut off in the process), but you will be mostly alive if you follow these guidelines I set for you. 

Tip 1: Listen to him and follow every order to the letter or at least as close as he wished.

Tip 2: Don't be late. On anything or for anything. Come extremely early if you need just don't come late. Vader doesn't like tardiness.

Tip 3: Do not fail or do your job poorly, because Vader will force choke you.

Tip 4: DO NOT BETRAY HIM! If there is something he louths it is traitors. And he will force choke you

Tip 5: Don't be a politician. He hates those.

Tip 6: DO NOT! And I mean DO NOT try to make him talk about his past, he will force choke you.

Tip 7: DO NOT talk or ask him about planet Tatooine. I do not know why but he hates that planet to the core, and he would rather be caught dead than step on that planet. Also if you are from Tatooine don't come close. He will not welcome you with open arms.

Tip 7.5: Also do not talk about sand. Or anything related to sand. Like deserts. Beaches. Or anything of the sort.

Tip 8: Do not talk about Naboo. One more planet with too many memories for him probably.

Tip 9: DO NOT in any circumstance even think about slavery, not to mention talk about it. You will not find a simpathetic ear in Lord Vader(can Sith even be simpathetic?).

Tip 10: Do not eat or drink in his presence. He probably won't do anything to you, but I always felt a bit apprehensive while he watched me eat. It is a bit discorcening.

Tip 11: Do not in any circumstances think for a second that the Dark Lord is brooding. Sith don't brood. Or sulk. It is not in their nature(that's what he says!). Think of it as meditation or sleeping.

Tip 12: Always wear something apropriate or just wear a uniform, and he won't complain (like he did that one time to me. It was one of the worst memories in my life).

Tip 13: Do not flirt with him, he won't return it. Only if you are into that choking kink, which I am firmly not into!

Tip 14: DO NOT talk about the Jedi. Only if he starts to talk about it first.

And the one of the most important ones and the last one is:

Tip 15: DO NOT for the love of the Force play cards with the man. Just don't. Trust me on this, Vader is a sore loser.

And that is all I can say for now. I hope this list has helped you survive an encounter with the Lord of the Sith. If not...... It's your own damn fault not mine.

**Author's Note:**

> Oh yeah P.S. Because you are probably going to die by his hand anyway, do not ask of him to kill you with a lightsaber. He will do the complete opposite just to spite you. So just shut your mouth and hope for the best.
> 
> Oh right one more and then I am done.  
> P.P.S. Don't befriend (that is a strong word for what I had with them) two murderous droids, just because you could. They will not be helpful in this already dire situation. Leave them to rot somewhere. Or die. If droids can die anyway.


End file.
